:: the wife of mr iceywicey ::

tag! ur it!

2009-03-17T18:28:00.003+08:00

and so, you have found me.
grinz.

Aniways, yups, no ones perfect, everyone has an agenda behind them, everyone has had failed relationships, pple have made mistakes and moved on.

if ignore and let it be is what you have decided on. then keep to your words. cos i am moving on and not looking back. i dunt need pple to emphatize with me however as its a battle i am raging alone. if u have known, this blog is only made known to handful of pple and defnitely not the "whole world" that you have assumed it to be.

i am leading on my life with the small family that i have now, yups ur uncle included by the way. If the whole chalet episode is still on ur mind and ur bitter about tht i suggest we have a sit down with all involved and set things straight. Cant believe something can blow out of proportion and last this long without getting solved. If ur still unhappy and you still have issues, lets settle them instead of ranting on and on and never close the case.

yes. we are family. we are having the same blood line but if something like this cant be solved than i wonder what else can. Bak has told me stories of the past that has happened to him and all he can do in his position is to forgive and move on. I wished i had my father's resilience.

and yeah. i know you holds some kind of power in ur hands. But i guess somethings things happen for a reason. it happened and it make me open up my eyes a little bigger to the world around me and to be thankful what i already have. sometimes, shit needs to happen for you be more appreciative of things around you. your life, your family, your career.

i am building these now step by step hoping id get to where i want to be in the near future. i dunt want to make the mistakes i have done to my mum; to my dad.

i am back, back again

2009-03-04T14:35:00.002+08:00

New location. New Office. Due to some conflict of interest in the last situation, i was offered a better working environment (less insects, better air), better moolah, better benefits etc etc etc and i have moved on.

Today marks my 1 monthlyversary.

And they say, you cant get 'em all. So 1 aspect of my life took a turn for the worse when another was getting better. My health. These past 2 months alone, i have visited the hospitals and private clinics no less than 10 times. Each time getting the neb. Each time, waking up in the middle of night and getting breathless. My chest hurts so much and it gets so tight that at times i feel i am just just clutches away from the grim reaper. It hurts real bad. My inhalers don't work no more. It used to be so easy for me to pump some into my mouth, feel all better and resume the activities that i have been doing. But now, even 10 puffs of the inhaler wont get me anywhere near better lung capacity. My airways get inflammed and i start gasping for breath. Im looking into some traditional medicine that has been tried and tested and proven successful. Id try anything at this moment to get my illness under control again. I have been good and even been using the preventors AND the steroids on a daily basis but they just dunt seem to work.

What's making it worse? People who just cant leave me alone. People who incessantly pry and crticize. The very same people who seek help from me when they most needed me - or my monies. What's even worse? They're family.

I couldnt sleep at all last night thinking about what was happening around me. With technological advances, people can screw you so easily online and defame you as well. I was labelled - "the one who is always up to no good" - by some idiot who doesnt even know me well. Whom i am not even close to. What right do you have to label me such. I have never even disturbed ur life. While mine has been stomped upon by my so called family for years, even continuing after the demise of my mother. One even laughed and said that i portrayed myself as a "victim". The very same person who would look for me if they're short of cash. And even borrowed an item i bought with my "very first pay, my hard earned money" for years, i might say and don't have the cheek to return it back. Nie bukan buruk siku - aku pinjamkan kau bender tu. But if you are as insensitive and can have the cheek to scream at me and insult me, then arent you embarrassed by using my property. Have you forgotten the times when you are so bloody shot of cash and you turned to me for help? Don't you even have the cheek to return it back to me? Are you claiming it as yours since its been with you for ages?

Perhaps I am too soft hearted, too lenient and swallow everthing that comes by when i was younger. when i was naive. when i was gullible. But hey, no way. not now animore peeps. No more. Enough is enough. I am carying my mum's legacy - i know how every single one of you have hurt my mum. I have it all in my hands. At the tip of my fingers and at the tip of my tongue. And if i lashed out, it means you have crossed my limit.

Meeting his namesake

2009-01-28T02:07:00.005+08:00

Second day of CNY and dad is back from his golf vacation - 3 whole days of nothing but golf in Malaysia. To spend the day with him, me and hubs decided to bring him to the Singapore Zoo, to visit Omar. The only white tiger who did not attack the cleaner who climbed to his death in the den.

Slightly after two, we made our way to the zoo. Dad has not been to the zoo in ages and i bet he was suprised by the many changes that has happened over the decade. The queue was horrendously long, since it was CNY but thanks to speedy good service from the staff, i was at the ticketing counter in no time. And wow, dad, being a senior citizen, got his ticket at only $9 freaking dollars!

It has been awhile since me and hubby went to the zoo and it was a great outing for all the 3 of us. Although we missed several feeding times and several shows, we had a blast watching it from the fringes.

Since me and hubs missed a fair share of golf together, we made plans to head down to the range that night. But all 3 knocked out the moment we got home! So lets leave it for another day.

Thanks God, for this wonderful, small yet special family of mine.

So which way do you want it to go?

2009-01-27T23:29:00.004+08:00

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for

something

you are not"

Sentosa-ing on CNY

2009-01-26T22:24:00.004+08:00

Something happened today that dampened my spirits. Mad me mad, made me sad and made me go WTF! Plans to go to sentosa was about to go down the drain as i was really in a bad mood. But i guess hubby knows best. So he sent me off to take a bath and then we decided to go out. It was during the walk to the carpark that i once again decide not to let anione ruin my day, my holiday or my life. How i wish it was easy for me to just wipe out unhappy thought and moments or the negativity in our life to just move on happily.

good happy thoughts people. That's just what i did. I decided to just put all these obstacles aside as i determine my mood, i determine my life. i make myself happy and only i can decide how i want to feel and how i want my day to go.

so off to sentosa we went. Hubby informed me that we would be taking the skyride and all these while i thought he meant we were going up the carlsberg tower. But i was soooooooo wrong! The skyride is an attraction in sentosa that includes reaching great heights, sitting on a wooden bench, secured with a plastic looking bar. But unsafe as it looks, i had a blast. It was terrifying at first but once i was up, i was on a high!

After the exhilirating, nerve wrecking, nearly pee-ed in my pants ride, me and hubby headed to the sentosa 4d magix. We caught the pirates show and it was a mind blasting..hehehehe.

You shud try it sometime. Worth every cent paid. next, we chanced upon a snake charmer and had our pictures taken with an albino phyton. It was scary as the snake's head kept heading for my face! But what an experience.

thank you my beloved for giving me a great time today and making sure my head stays sane and my feet are firmly on the ground (except during the skyride!).

i love you! and happi chinese new year!

Smile Darling, life is just beginning.

2009-01-12T15:09:00.004+08:00

i sit and ponder, how things have changed for the past few months, past few years. and i realised that on the surface, things do change but deep down their hearts, their real thoughts and feelings remain.

once an outcast, always an outcast, no matter which direction you go, which road you take and which level of achievement you have undertaken. Life's like that darling. Take it with a pinch of salt, after you've downed the shot of tequila and cringed your face.

People are pretentious. Every single one of them. Including me, including you.

So live your life with the ones you really love, and the ones who realli love you and put aside those who seem to care, who seem to matter to you, who seem to like and love, as they are there just as obstacles for you to overcome. They pull you back from where you intended to be. And if you allow it to happen, you are but a fool.

So let it go, Smile. Lift your head up and know that you are someone. That you are special. And no one can take that away from you.

Light up my Life

2009-01-08T23:06:00.002+08:00

i have been sick again. This time it is lasting more than a week. In fact, its gonna be 2 weeks of on and off fever, flu and asthma for me. I have visited the doctor a total of 3 times, each giving me a myriad of medication to deal with. Some was bitter to swallow, like reality.

I wonder if all these are happening to me because of pregnancy. Nope, i have not checked myself yet but wonder if these are the symptoms you get when you are pregnant. you know, hormonal changes, body adjusting and yada yada.

Somehow the programs i watched on the telly today were related to pregnancy! The moment i turned on the tv, the tyra banks show was on. And the bombshell was interviewing a lady, who was 5 months pregnant, and was still smoking a pack a day. They talked about her addiction and what were the dangers the unborn baby was facing with the habit.

I am a smoker. I am addicted. And it isnt something i say now with pride. Years ago, smoking was cool. It made me feel like i was part of society, part of a group of friends who were smokers. But when years go by, it wasnt for the glamour. I was hooked. and hooked bad.

Id find myself scouring for money in the house just to get a pack of cigarettes. Sometimes, i made sure that i had enough sticks for the following morning as i knew id get very cranky if i dint. Once, i even told hubby that if he didnt get me a pack, he knows how id turn out - nasty and he doesnt want tht to happen, does he?

i am chained, shackled at the feet at the mercy of these cigarettes. Even when im having asthma like now, and am a little breathless, i reach out for my pack, light up my stick, and have my ventolin inhaler within reach. I am a slave to the cigarette. It gives me a kind of satisfaction, of steadiness, of calmness when i inhale and exhale.

I know the damage it has done to me. And whats worse, being an asthmatic and at the same time being a smoker, is just signing ur deal with the reaper in advance. i am scared that if i get pregnant one day, id still be smoking. That id be smoking secretly behind my husband's back, relieving my craving and satisfying my addiction. I am so afraid that by being this addicted, even the addiction is stronger than the love that i have for my unborn child.

I guess it is easy for people to judge us when they are not in our shoes. I used to shun and look down as i saw mums pushing their children in their prams or are pregnant and smoke at the same time. I thought that if i was them, the least id do, is smoke in privacy and not out in the open when pple can judge them and shun them. Then i realised, id be worse of then them. I d be a hypocrite.

Quiting before getting pregnant was something i have always thought about. But i am no where near the starting line to that freedom. I know i dunt want to quit. But at the same time i know i need to. For myself, my health, and my future generation. At times, you see pple doing worse off than you, pregnant mothers who drink alcohol, take drugs etc and you think a smoking mother warrants less guilt compared to the other group. Well, you're wrong. Ultimately, harm does come to the unborn child.

So what do i do now? What if i found out that i was pregnant? Do i try going cold turkey? Do i try to do it step by step, slowly and try to quit along the way, knowing very well, each time i inhale, my baby inhales the same poison as me.

Eat Sand, Drink Coke & Bathing in a Sandy Loo

2009-01-07T11:30:00.007+08:00

the "hungs"

One lazy Sunday afternoon, the brothers and family decided to go to the Sunny Sentosa... although by the time we got ready, bought snacks, had lunch ... it was close to 4pm. I love seeing the boys and each time that i get to see them, i really cherish the moments we have together 3 beautiful, tactful boys who just brightens up your life, anytime.

Anyways, i dint swim as i dint want to feel all gooey and not having a proper private place to wash the salt water off.

i have no idea why love to pose like a dork

my mafia baby

my overgrown baby

blurpdates

2009-01-07T11:03:00.003+08:00

a new year already. its bloody 2009! And with this brand new year, i hope and pray that this year will go by more smoothly, less chaotic and unpredictable and make my family even more closer than it was before.

It's a Partie!

Dad hit 65 last year and we honoured the day by throwing a small prayer session cum party with loved ones. Unfortunately, i did not manage to get him the golf cake this year. My old man received quite a good pool of presents this year including a Braun Buffel wallet and belt, a TekaTeka watch, Nike golf accessories and more golf tees for him...more clothes to wash for me!

Santa's Day....

Christmas was special too as we had a huge Saniff Family dinner at Carousel with about close to 30 of us attending that night. Sheer chaos, bitch fest, camera whoring, tummy piling gastronomic affair. It was good fun.

Back on the career track...

I got a job working for a teen golf academy in Singapore and am working at one of the country club range located in the East side. Traveling is a week bit troublesome due to the distance, but its tolerable. So far, so good. *fingers crossed*

Academic Status...

Schools is still on, final assignment due tonite and exams in 2 weeks. Yikes. I still remember how jittery i was sitting for the exams last year and since i am so used to typing, writing essays was a chore and it hurt my fingers so badly!! I wish we'd each be given a pc during exams, type out our answers, and hand in. This semester though, i had been a tad more lazy than i usually am and have missed several classes due to "appointments". Let's hope it wont take a toll on my exams.

Of sluts and bitches...

and, i have been wanting to give a married someone a tight slap for quite sometime already for her bitchiness and slutty-ness. But well, another tale for another day.

Maid-a-minute...

My favourite part time maid is giving me a difficult time by not ebing able to commit to coming over and overhauling my house anymore as she has taken on permanent employers. Me veri the sad. House veri the messy. sigh.

anione care to give a helping hand? No? Fine!

the enemy we welcomed into our home

2008-11-17T06:20:00.003+08:00

my aunt, who is of a significant age, suffering for diabetes and other age related ailments was taken care of by a wonderful woman named Mira. She hailed from indonesia and was recruited as a domestic helper to care for my aunt and the rest of the family members who were living with her.

Mira's chores or duties were to mainly take care of my sick aunt. Mira was to bathe her, feed her her daily meals, tend to her needs and ensure that she takes her medicine as instructed by the doctors. My aunts mind has dwindled for the past few years and communication is scarce.

Mira was like god sent. She was this small, peite lady, always ready and willing to help out and take care of the family. She was quick with her work, nimble, always on her toes and is always seen doing her chores dilligently. She showed much love, care and concern for my ailing aunt as well.

She has been with the family for a good 1 year plus, her contract was supposed to end sometime at the end of this year and i believe, my family members were more than willing to extend that contract based on her loyalty and dedication to the family. This wonderful sweet lady however, wasnt whom she portrayed herself to really be.

Here's a list of things she did:

1. Since she was reliable and trusted, she was given the IDD number to make calls from the land line at home. She forked more than $2000 worth of telephone bills in a mere 2 months. When approached, she vehemently denied it, although having being shown the bills with indonesian numbers listed.

2. My ailing aunt kept much of the money given to her by relatives in her room. When we checked, the amount dwindled drastically although my ailing aunt NEVER ever handled cash or went out by herself to purchase stuff. Again she denied taking the money.

3. My other aunt, a frequent business traveller, had several hundred pounds taken from her wardrobe, thousands of japanese yen removed from her drawers and a piggy bank filled to the brim with coins left with only the coins covering the base of the piggy bank and also whatever loose change she had lying in her room, mysteriously vanishing. Again Mira denied being involved.

4. After the missing notes episode, my aunt got a safe and locked her door at all times. But Mira was adamant in searching for more money. My aunt came back to find her bedroom door pried and forced open. The hinges were damaged and once again Mira acted innocent.

5. We were shocked last year when we visited our aunt and was greeted by a face full of bruises. She had blot shot eyes, half of her face was badly swollen and her cheeks were puffy. Mira, who was supposed to spend most of her times being by my aunts side, apparently had no idea what happened to my sick aunt. She thought perhaps my aunt might have fallen.

6. Mira too had a fantastic time spitting into the food right in front of my aunt and forcing her to eat the food which had been spat at.

7. Blood stains were found on my aunts pillows and further checks showed that she had deep cuts on her head. Guess what?! Mira had a fantastic time in the bathroom, using the shower head to repeatedly knock my aunt's head till it bled.

8. And wanting to save costs for the family, she bathed my aunt too occasionally using dirty water that was used to soak clothes overnight. The water of course would have contained clorox bleach and detergent.

9. Each time a family member came to visit, my aunt would sit with them and gobble down the food which was meant for visitors. Once, 6 curry puffs were served (by the wonderful and attentive Mira of course) to my dad and myself. Dad ate one, and my aunt ate the other 5 under 5 minutes. all these while we thought perhaps she should have been served enough good food everyday since my other relatives provided only the best food for her, but oh, since all are werking Mira was incharge of preparing and feeding her. My aunt lost a lot of weight in the past few months and suddenly it dawned on us. Mira perhaps wasnt feeding my aunt at all or feeding her very little during the day.

10. At times when we visited, my ailing aunt would be a little drowsy, a little "stoned" - and guess what? When checked, we realised Mira, highly possible, could have overdosed my aunt so that she can take her little trips to the mall to get the money she stole changed and TT it back to her home in Indonesia.

11. Last week , my aunt suffered from a dislocated shoulder. Doctors said that it is higly possible that she might have been pushed or shoved to have injured herself extensively.

Mira wasnt spared. She was sent back home.

What i think i want to get across is to always have a little caution when you hire these domestic helpers. You cant trust them 100% no matter how loyal and trustworthy they might seem. Mira was like an angel to all our family members. No one even had the faintest idea that she was capable of doing what she did. And whats worse, she dint apologise and wasnt remorseful for what she did. Not a shed of tear - perhaps because of the "fortune" waiting for her back home - money which belonged rightfully to my family.

To those who have no choice, but to leave the care of their children and elderly in the hands of the maids, try installing the CCTV if you can afford it. It could save a life and definitely ensure the safety of your loved ones.

Sometimes, you wonder if the occurences of maid abuse came about out of nothing - or was it something they did to spark off the fury. Now, maid abuse is in the news. People caught for abusing their maids either verbally or physically. Lots of employer abuse i suppose goes unnoticed.

"i want to raise an issue"

2008-11-12T04:29:00.003+08:00

when i bought hubby his iTouch about a year ago, i never understood what that small little gadget could do apart from keeping and playing his favourite songs. I thought that it was just a bigger version of my ipod nano and a gadget that looks a lot like the iphone. Over the months though, hubby "cracked" or "de-coded" some stuffs and downloaded several applications like the weather, dictionary, calculator (or does it already come with the iTouch), task lists, contacts lists etc.

and the only application that i understood and used was the game Lexitron, which was a version of the text twist game. Lately though, he made another remarkable "cracking session" and viola, the iTouch became so usable.. for me. Now i understood what hubby was raving about a year ago. We could actually surf the net on the bloody gadget!

Apart from the organisational applications and the games, he also has the iToday (an online version of the TODAY newspaper) in it! Suddenly, i felt that i wanted one! I WANT AN iTouch... perhaps its already a lil passe for many but hello... a tech bimbo like me takes a lil while to get a hang of things like this and takes months to appreciate the beauty of gadgets. so hubby has informed me that they cost about $200 plus now... compared to me purchasing the gadget for him at about $400 plus i think. i mite just get me one soon... or if my darling hubby gets the hint...then...

aniways, busu have been sleeping over for the past week and we have both done quite a good job with the laundry that has been piling. i have finally cleared the kueh rayas from their containers and cleaned out my fridge.

these nearly 2 years of marriage has taught me many things. Taught me what it meant when someone says "you won't know a person until you are married". Even living together wasnt enough for someone to know about the other half as much as they wanted to. I admit, my marriage has its upheavals, it has its down side, but... it has it great moments as well. And sometimes, being human, we fail to notice the goodness of someone, the reasons why we chose our soulmates, why we fell in love with each other, and how blissful and wonderful we used to be. Don't get me wrong, hubby and i still enjoy all of that, but sometimes, we just get blinded by what is happening around us, to take notice the importance of just US.

we get too engrossed in hoping we will meet each others expectations, we wait impatiently for either one of us to give up our bad habits, we are constantly on the prowl in pointing out mistakes that we both make and we endlessly try the wrong ways to solve things. We try to play each others games, we try to work things out using each other's problem solving tactics, and we fail to realise that it will never work, and it only ended up making each other more frustrated.

i have always believed that communication is of utmost importance in a relationship. and i thought i was the perfect communicator in our marriage. I thought that hubby was the one who kept things bottled up and made things more difficult each time we were faced with a situation. Trying to be him, i decided to do things his way too, keeping things bottled up and keeping silent..but knowing me, my mouth doesnt stay shut that long. So, the bomb explodes.

I dint know, during my transition period, i was unapproachable as well. With both keeping mum, the tension intensified and ww3 nearly broke out. But i believe, one shouldnt give up so easily, should not flee at the first sign of trouble and if it was something you cared and loved for dearly, it is worth every penny, every sweat, every word and strength to work it out.

alhamdullilah, the obstacles that we faced, dint damper us. It made us stronger, it made us stand together as ONE fighting off the obstacles that comes. And sacrifices. as easy as it is to pronounce, it is something not easily executed. Its time we both made sacrifices in our life to make things a whole lot easier to get through. and have the initiative to remove the obstacles when needed.

and now, "i want to raise an issue", as i put up my hands and stare intently at hubby.

:: Deciphered? ::

2008-11-04T04:44:00.001+08:00

blah blah blabh blah, blah blah blah blah!

Bla blah blah, blah blah blah..... blah blah.Blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhh

hahahhaehhehe

blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blahhhh blaaaaaah. blah blah blah blah hahah.

Another version:

BLAH.

My Reaction:

Awwwwwww so sweet... hugs!

:: its all about me ::

2008-11-04T04:31:00.003+08:00

PR was good yesterday.

MMR later - most likely gonna flunk. I cant digest all in one day.

Damnit.

I owe carpark attendant $8.40 too.

I miss halloween.

I am sad that my dad is coughing badly and has sharp pains in his ankle.

i tested for pregnancy yesterday and still negative.

i am beginning to become one with my couch at home - permanent indention of my butt on the middle cushion.

Visited bibik today, looked much better than before.

Found out that Nyai's house very condusive for studying - no computer, no internet and no cable TV. Superbly comfortable chairs - might consider to make it my personal study space.

spent $150 in voucher at gramaphone and purchased about 8 to 10 DVDs - Gods must be crazy 2 being one of them.

Im late for my period - prolly due to stress and a lil bout of depression.

and i miss mak. miss her a lot.

:: i love reading! ::

2008-11-04T04:07:00.002+08:00

I aint no expert on people behaviour but i guess some deductions are pretty common sense. How a person reacts to a conversation, how they move their body, twist their fingers in anxiety, or fidget in guilt, or show a certain facial expression, we basically get to deduce how a person is reacting to situations.

We do not need a lie detector, nor an IQ of a genius to tell why someone is reacting the way they are and if they are telling you the truth. (Sometimes, we really cant cover our lies due to modern technology you know - there are such thing as chat logs, history of pages visited, communication logs etc) Why they smile, or why they frown, or how they walk out of a room or listen intently to you, how they make eye contact when speaking or how they just don't bother and look at another direction (perhaps they really are listening!)

Its like when i met YP this afternoon at the canteen, the moment she came to my table, i immediately placed my heads in between my books, avoided eye contact and answered her questions nonchalantly. So im sure she gets the picture. Or of how i jumped in my knickers when hubby surprised me on my birthday - i was genuinely surprised, grateful and happy with what happened.

Some people are like open books, you meet them, talk to them a few times, spent some time reading their body language and you know just about everything about how this particular person reacts, their characters, likes and dislikes, attitudes etc.

But a big number of people arent open books. They hide behind the chapters and you have to read in between the lines to really know them well. But.. after reading for many years, isnt it ridiculous that you still cant understand the story?!

you're either too stupid or too naive in believing the story as how it is written, without considering to read in depth and understand the true meaning of the book and what message it is trying to get across... especially if its a book or topic you are supposedly very interested in.

GO OBAMA!

2008-11-04T03:44:00.002+08:00

so whats up karipap. its not 3.44am on a very unsleepable tuesday morning. 4 Nov - the day hopefully america gets her first black president. GO OBAMA!

updates updates, four ur info, i am a very forgetful person and the main reason for this blog is for me to keep in track of what happened in my life and for me to reflect and ponder on things that have happened or is about to happen. So if this bores you, get out.

i recently turned 27 and not liking it one bit. Feel that i am getting old and not going anywhere. Not achieving the goals i have set (due to being ill disciplined, unmotivated and not giving a crap) and not becoming the person i want to be.

I REPEAT... the person I WANT to be.

in the first place, do i know what i want? Do i know what i desire and what i hope the outcome would be. I perhaps only have a very hazy vision of it, not clear and concise yet, but hope it will be in the future.

Sometime, i sit down and ponder, if the mistakes i have done in my life have made me a better person, or it has just made me complacent. I definitely have become a stronger person internally, i can take criticisms better, hold my head up high in times it needs to be and be aggressive, not at the right time at times.

sometimes, i come across to people as being rude, brash, irresponsible, cold, unreliable, disorganised etc etc. But i guess i just dont give a rats ass about it anymore. It does use to affect me especially if it came from people who are dear to me and from people whom i expect to be ever ready in times of need, but dear readers, dunt be fooled. they are around all the time but believe me, don't expect too much.

you live for certain people in your life and u must ascertain their status. You cant live for everyone and everything and must determine who are important and who arent. Those who are not worthy or in terms of social or familial connections are of utterly little or no use to your life, exercise discretion and concentrate your love, attention and time to those who REALLY mean to you.

never there

2008-10-17T04:10:00.002+08:00

i am sitting here beside you

hearing you breathing

hearing your heartbeat

and wishing we were kissing

you lay in bed

straddled to the side,

your hatred never subsides.

as i lay here weeping

do you feel me, hear me,

do you know what i am missing

do you want me, or hate me

do you know that i am crying

your silence and your stares

is something i cant bear

do you ever wish that i was never there

o woe is me

2008-10-17T03:39:00.002+08:00

It has been a crazy hell of a week.

Too much different emotions crept inside of me. One moment all i felt was happiness, the other, despair and depressed. Getting 2 clowns as part of my group assignment was a complete disaster that left me and my clone slogging each nite till 5am to get it finished and done with. analyzing 30 articles about the by-election is really no joke.

feeling of emptiness came again. what do i want in life. Do i want a colourful life filled with excitement round every corner, or do i yearn for a smooth, calm and quiet life. It seems like the rat race never ends. The expectations are never met and the duties are never fulfilled.

i ponder each night as i lay awake till the wee hours of the morning... would it have been different if mum was still around, loving me, guiding me and being there for me when i needed someone the most. I am missing her terribly. Just the other day during my open house, wak pah gave me a gift for my upcoming birthday. She said that the gift was meant for my mum. i dint understand.

2 years ago, mum and her went shopping in KL, just the 2 of them enjoying a nice, short getaway together. They were in a shop when my mum came across a nice looking table clock. If i am not mistaken it is from precious thots. She mentioned to wak pah that she loved that clock a lot but decided against buying it. Without her knowing, wak pah bought the item and planned to present it to her on her birthday in october. But alas, mum, never lived to see that day. Never ever managed to open the gift wak pah had bought for her just 2 months before. Who could have known that my mum would be snatched away from me so abruptly.

For 2 whole years, wak pah had kept the present with her. Wak pah even avoids entering the shop they visited together in KL. For 2 whole years, she tried giving it to others for their birthday, but couldnt. And in the end, this year, she gave it to me. When she related the story of how she acquired the gift, i cried. i felt so lonely without my mum. i feel so alone.

What is my purpose in this life anyway. What am i here for? What is expected of me.

i have been a terrible daughter. a terrible employee, a terrible student, a terrible wife and this will ultimately make me a terrible mother.

My dad id 65 this year, yes, 65. And i still cling on to him and need him. He is the light of my life and i feel so guilty when we have our misunderstandings. By now, i should be the one looking after him, he should have been retired and should be enjoying his retirement golfing etc. But no, this little scum bag still cant afford to look after one dad. I am against him ever marrying again (he hasnt had any intension too aniways) but i cant even look after him properly! He doesnt have decent meals each day, even his clothes i take forever to wash, he still pays the utility bills, he rarely eats home cooked food as i rarely cook, i still have not been able to give him some cash each month for expenses and the list goes on.

what sort of a daughter am i?

sometimes, the things to do in life, the decisions you make are mistakes that are irreversable. and you live with them throughout your life.

Don't even start with what a lousy wife i am. just ask my husband, he will be glad to fill in the details and list them out, or maybe not, he might just give you hints and be sarcastic.

nevermind sakina, mak is always looking down on u, insyallah one day, things will get better. And you will be able to smile again.

itchy backside

2008-09-24T16:20:00.003+08:00

Today was a day spent trying my best to get back my blog to how it was before. Being itchy fingers, i actually went ard searching for nicer templates wanting to make this blog more attractive, but as usual i made a mess out of it by accidentally deleting stuffs, and making things less use friendly. After searching for help from the net (blogger for dummies, cos hubs wants me to learn rather than be spoon fed) i managed to pretty much get it to a state that i want.

so here it is. the newest look.

im tired and im sloshed.

need food.

and a good bed.

But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.... its wednesday and i have my mass murder research on again tonite till 10. Can i skip it? Please?

I won!

2008-09-17T10:04:00.002+08:00

remember the game i was telling u about that i played each morning with myself on the train. If you don't let me brief you again.

It's GUESS THE NEXT PASSENGER TO EXIT AT WHICH STATION GAME

hahahah... everyday, id scan ard the cabin the moment i step into it and look for faces or people who might alight within the next few stations (admiralty, sembawang, yishun, yio chu kang etc). Most of the time unfortunately, i get it wrong, but today, i was spot on!

I noticed this Indian guy who had a lappy bag on his thigh and messy hair. I had this feeling that he was going to drop at Yio Chu Kang - they have an industrial estate somewhere towards the wooded area, and stood right in front of him. My chances seemed slim at first as he was closing his eyes and slept the whole time. When we reached yishun however, he began to open his his a little, rub his face, scratched out his eye shit and when we reached YCK, he got up and i got my seat!

And it was my turn to close my eyes and sleep till Raffles Place.

Shiokness!

Lellow Libbon

2008-09-15T18:19:00.003+08:00

The Yellow Ribbon project is something that has been in the media for quite awhile. A campaign that sends a message to the public about giving ex-offenders another chance, allowing them to integrate back into society without labeling them with their past. I have always been interested in the lives of convicts behind bars and yearn to learn what happens to them when they are released. Back to a loving family, or back to an empty home due to the disintegration of their families. What about facing immediate family members who are not keen on seeing you ard family functions and shuns you. How do they get on their own two feet, finding a decent job/career - or do they have to settle for menial jobs.

The government is doing a fantastic campaign by the way but who are they targeting the campaign to? It seems only privatised or foreign companies are more open, more willing, and less judgemental in hiring these ex-felons. Do you think gahmen is as accepting when they are the ones in the first place who came up with these idea?

for the record, i was convicted in the court of law once. However, i was only slapped with a fine of $1000 for "abusive language towards a civil servant". But you know what, the records stayed there forever and once they know about this little history of yours, they ask you to pack and go. Mine isnt even a crime that gangsters / felons can be proud of - murder, fraud, rioting, assault, (defamation) - but it sticks with me for life. I remember the IO of the case telling me that it wont be out in the records coz it was only a fine. Boy was i wrong.

I know of someone too who has good education, fantastic work ehtics but because of a mistake, was fined too like me. Subsequent job interviews, she honestly stated her previous convictions (apparently even if you're fined, you are a convicted felon), and she was rejected because of that one tiny mistake she did years back.

So how do people like her, me and many others get back on track with this thing hanging over our heads? If i am not mistaken, many years ago, for goodwill purposes, several thousands of offenders' records were erased. Especially those with minor cases. Guess mine was not minor enough cos it resurfaced years later.

And correct me if i am wrong, but do you think any of these ex-felons will get a gahmen related job? Let's not even talk about gahmen, but what about semi gahmen corporations, stat boards etc - do you think they will be welcomed with open arms without prejudice, without being labelled?

"Although they have made a mistake in life, they deserve a second chance. We all make mistakes, we all come out the better for it." - this came from our president.

And it was on the first page. Instead of leaving private companies to accept them, why cant the gahmen lead by example? Open their arms and give these people jobs, in their numerous sectors. And then the rest will follow suit.

mocking bird

2008-09-14T23:58:00.004+08:00

hubby screamed and jumped back. the bird that i saw loitering at the corridor yesterday is back. She is sitting snugly on my railings and i noticed 3 bird droppings on my WHITE foot rug. I aint too sure what kind of bird it is.. it is olive green in colour with black dotted eyes and some grey feathers on its wings. daddy insists that it is a baby bird despite it size and wonders why her muumy dint come and collect her. as me and hubs were supposed to make our way to the grocery store, we had no choice but to open the door and squeeze out without startling the bird hence making it flap it wings wildly and scare us in the process...

hubs has made it clear that he is afraid of it. no choice. i made him open the gate, and we let ourselves out. The bird still stood on the railings of the gate and dint move an inch. It looks so pitiful - although it looks quite fat for a bird and i feel soo sorry for it. i took a piece of bread and attempted to feed it but it refused to open its mouth.

have taken a few pics of it and will upload it soon. i hope Tiger doesnt eat her up.

Men!

2008-09-10T10:50:00.002+08:00

1. Men are like ... Laxatives ... .... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ...... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ... Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ...... ... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .... ... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ......... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like P arking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

talk big only

2008-09-10T10:01:00.004+08:00

Received this from galpal aka Mrs Temporarily Bonchit, Alicia or Aisha Lim.

"Big pple talk about ideas, average pple talk about things, and small pple talk about other pple" - Let's be "big" pple who talk about ideas.

how aptly said.

the 2nd shift

2008-09-04T22:25:00.002+08:00

i read a couple of weeks ago, some self improvement book about women now. It has been said that over the decades many women have taken a more important role in society. Gone are the caveman days when women stayed in caves while men went out hunting bringing back a nice huge piece of meat for his family. Gone are the days where the role of women is mainly being child-bearing factories, wok swirling cuisine masters, dust reaping mop busters.

is that true..?

i doubt it. All that is stated above is still the reality now, with a little twist. Women now hold quite important roles in society and in the corporate world. We hear and read of stories about wonder women, who are flying and soaring above the clouds in the corporate world but at the same time being able to juggle the roles of a mother, a wife, a best friend and a daughter. Wat a mouthful.

ever since the passing of my beloved mother, pampered spoilt brat me has taken a new role in the family. New tasks were laid ahead and eyes were constantly on me to see if i could fill in the huge shoes my darling supermom left behind. I guess they were glad they're right. I couldnt fill it, eventhough i have huge, flat feet. I was disappointed though although i see it coming. My mom IS superwoman. She juggled her roles as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a sister-in-law, an employee, a best friend and a handbag fanatic to perfection. The attributes of hers i took over? you guessed it - handbag fanatic. and it really stops there.

a sense of happiness did overcome me recently when i realised that slowly but surely, i am about 80% away from having my mum's superpowers. (aren't superpowers supposed to be inherited genetically and NOT manually?)

Having a new career, a new path in education and new cooking skills (thanks ibu!), i realised how painful yet soothing, how stressful yet calming, how energy draining yet full of vitality it really could be.

This new job is thankfully only on a 5 working day schedule, 9am to 6pm, which leaves my weekend practically all mine (and daddy's and hubby's and assignment time).

What happened last week:

Monday: Finished work at 6plus as i had a meeting, met hubs at lavender, went for dinner at Arab Street, headed for Marina Sq to get moustache removed, but ended up shopping for my stationeries at woodlands. i cooked, got home, bathed, and went to sleep close to 1am. Didn't wake up for sahur. All 3 concked out.

Tuesday: Finished work at 6plus. This time i had a meeting at the TPY office and met hubs at the mrt station as i had clumsily left my files with him. Headed for school and was late. Was in class till 10pm. Hubs fetched me, we went to shop and save to buy groceries at nearly 10.30pm. I started cooking sup ayam, with ayam goreng and with paru goreng at about 10.45. Served dad his supper, served hub nasi goreng which was supposed to be for sahur and went to sleep at nearly 2 plus. same thing happened all 3 concked out.

Wednesday: Finished work at 6pm. Went straight for school met hubs at 10pm. Went to visit mother in law at 10.30pm, reached home at 11 plus, heated the remaining sup ayam, served myself and dad cos hubs ate MILs nasi goreng. Too tired to clean dishes and went to sleep at 2am. Woke up at 5am, served sahur to hubs and daddy. but the rice got overcooked in the cooker and hubs cannot telan, so he went back to sleep. After clearing everything, got back to bed and only managed to sleep at 6.30am. Woke up and rushed to work.

Today: Finished work at 6plus. Hubs came to office to fetch me and see my wonderful workplace. We walked a bit, took a bus and had dinner at lau pa sat. Walked a bit more to raffles and headed to woodlands. 9.15pm went to metro cozway point to collect a jacket for one of our projects, reached home at abt 9.45. walked home in my tired feet. had a nice reviving shower, cooked for my dad since he hasnt buka puasa properly. (he only had biskits at werk) Washed all the dishes, cooked rice for sahur, took the laptop and started penning down my thoughts.

so in a typical day, me, a woman, like a lot of other women work 2 shifts. The first is the typical 9 to 6 office bound job, then we rush off home and we start our 2nd shift. The cooking, the cleaning, the laundry clearing. How do we really cope!

Stressed out, mentally tired, physically drained and all we need is a good somone to be there. Not just physically. But vocally, caringly, appreciatively and smiling. Thats all we ask and the imperfect days might just end perfectly.

mak minah

2008-09-03T09:51:00.003+08:00

this is how i should look like if i was in school in the 1950s /60s

complete with the taik lalat

hazardous weekend

2008-08-30T22:52:00.002+08:00

when i finally have a job that does not require me to work on weekends, i end up getting a viral infection and being confined to the house. which leaves me rotting on the bed and sofa yet again.

i started to do a lil of my project work today gathering news articles of Mr EndWar Ibrahim and hi by-elections. We have to collect quite a number of articles from ST and NST and get an in depth analysis of the content for my MMR module (Mass Murder Research).

Aniways, rotting on the sofa yesterday, i manged to tune in to BBC and watch Senator Obama's speech in Denver. The whole set up was amazing, almost theatrical with explosions of confetti (star shaped, no less!) in you guessed it, red, white and blue! And a stupendous fireworks display too! But what connected me to it all was his speech. He delivered it brilliantly and i have so much of faith in his promises to his people. For once, i would like to be an Ameirican, living my dreams.

Obama delivered his speech with so much ferocity, determination and confidence. Spectators were spell bound by his words, his sentences, his phrases from start to finish. If there is one guy i would like to make the president of any country, it would be him. Best of luck dude. You deserve to be at the top, eventhough you don't fall in to the same "pedigree". I have faith in you.

******

Closer to home: I rebonded my hair today. Thank you Hubby!

who's the fairest of them all?

2008-08-30T22:48:00.002+08:00

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you dislike what you see in the mirror?

i have.

flue blue

2008-08-27T13:31:00.003+08:00

It is a brand new 3 days for me here at ACS. First day was a complete headache. Second day my path was a little clearer. I took over the table of a boss/colleague/girlfriend who was down with haycheffamdee and bought a bottle of dettol to disinfect the whole area before i sat down on it. However, the moment i was done with wiping down the hazardous corner, i was hit by the flu bug. Spending the entire evening (after work) in a classroom being lectured wasnt much fun either. The flu got worse, the heacache came, the fever set in and down the panadol went into my tummy.

For the first time in a damn long time, i fell asleep just about the time my head hit hubby's armpits. And i remember him speaking to me but god knows what i replied.

Aniways, am still feverish and fluish and with a sore throat. Was asked to go back and rest but i refused. And tonite, i have classes again. Wow wee. Happy Me.

of plain trains and automobiles

2008-08-22T14:40:00.003+08:00

It's been about two years i think that i have not taken our wonderful public transport system, the Mass Rapid Transit. On wednesday, when i had my first day at skool, i had no choice but to take the train out to Queenstown. Being at the control station was already a little weird for me with hundreds of people milling about, clearing the exit gantries, queueing at the ticket machine and people waiting for their cards to be topped up.

i again had no choice but to buy a standard ticket since i dunt own an ez-link card, albeit one that has been shying away in my old handbag for a good 2 years. I tried first to check the usability of the old card and tried inserting it into the machine. that was when i realised that they now have the "tapper" or the card reader attached below the mouth of the old card entry slot! Wow. so this goondoo here first tried very hard to push the card into the slot before finally giving up and placing it on top of the card reader. Then it prompted me to check the card and to activcate the card i had to actually key in a 4 or 6 digit pin number.

WTH! This was getting too complicated and i opted to buy the single trip ticket (are they still called that?). clicking on my destination,i then inserted the amount of money that would be needed for the machine to cough out my card when i have paid my dues. and after a few seconds, bluueeeeekkkk the card dropped into the same slot that my extra coins coughed out from too. i thought that it would comeout of the card reader slot but it dint. i must have really looked some kind of idiot to the guy standing behind me waiting for his turn.

Aniways, i think i have been too pampered and been too used to having a car and being driven around in cabs that taking the train was not an option for me. I really dunt mind taking the bus though.

Sitting in the train, i began to ask myself why i felt this way. And a huge reason has to be appearance / outlook / how i am dressed. Driving around made me feel comfortable as i can get to the place i want to be at my own pace, without having to stand and shove people around, get pissed and kiasu singaporeans who push their way into and out of the train and most importantly for me to check myself in the mirror, do a little touch up before i go for an appointment. I dunt care how my tummy just spills out and screams for release against the seat belt while being in a train / public transport, i have to ensure that i am pleasant enough to face society. To be scrutinized, analysed and judged by hundreds of people we pass by before we get to our destination. Perhaps it is a little too much to think about but that was what i felt about it. I feared meeting old friends or people i know and hear negative comments or passing comments about how i look, or ask me what is going on in my life now, or how i have put on soooo much of weight after marriage and whether i already have kids etc etc etc. This somehow does bother me. But as i walked down the platform at woodlands mrt, kept silent when people were shoving themselves in and out of the train, stood in the middle of the cabin, i realised that it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be.

People are so tired from work / skool that they dont bat an eyelid to whoever who walks in. And there are people who dress crapily even on public transport and they dont seem to give a shit about how they looked like, then why should i! I am who i am, i have been putting on the pounds, my skin isnt as clean and clear as it used to be years ago, i have since grown a double chin to accompany my original chin, my butt grew sideways and my tummy grew forward. But i now have nice fingernails! So what! So what of i am being judged silently by that skinny, scrawny office clothes wearing, super bad hair do, crappy fashion sense minah standing at the other corner, i am doing the same thing that i am afraid of people doing to me, to her! So be it! and then i get comfortable! (although i had to stand througout my journey) But it was a real eye opener. I have not seen sooooo much people in such a long time, seeing nice welcoming scenery from the train, and getting whiffs of how singaporeans smell. :P

I am definitely looking forward to my next rain ride!

anger management

2008-08-18T15:39:00.002+08:00

Its been about one month plus that i have officially become a housewife. and i am packing in the pounds daily since i have been eating, potato couching, sleeping and blobbing. i am trying my best not to be bitter about what happened to me but at times, it haunts me deep. at times, i am thankful it happened and at times, i feel like slapping and punching them in their faces. But overall, i believe i deserve better. Better management, better superior, better working hours, better welfare, less two faced, bitchy and retarded co workers and definitely a better paying job.

aniways, fuck em. i start skool tomorrow. 3 lessons per week from 7 to 10 pm with my exams in November. Let's get through this man, for real and hopefully can continue the journey further.

i had a good weekend with hubs. Saturday we stayed at home and finished all our housework together. i finally managed to clear the 3 whole damn laundry basket thats full of dirty clothes. finally. and it felt so good clearing everything without a domestic helper. i ironed and hubs helped with folding the clothes (his way).

Tomorrow, i have another interview at 2pm. Let's see how that goes shall we.

changes

2008-08-11T00:24:00.002+08:00

well, what can i say. i havent been blogging eventhough im now officially a housewife.

will update on my new routine soon.

however, there has been some changes in me to date.

1. I had my eyebrows plucked.

yeah i finally did it, the last time was ages ago in my college days when me and my gf decided to treat ourselves to some facial and eyebrow trimming services. I honestly forgot how painful it was to have your eyebrows ripped out of our face. The one i went to dint do a very good job it. Shasha has invited me to follow her for threading instead next month. she swears its better than plucking. We shall see how that goes.

2. i had my upper lip facial hair removed.

as my husband never fails to remind me that he married a girl with moustache, which i insist are whiskers, i decided to have them removed / waxed as soon as i saw myself in the ladies toilet of vivo city one day. after having my eyebrows plucked, the moustache seemed to stand out from my face and i felt so embarrassed by it that i walked for a good 20 mins covering my mouth before hubs says that i can have it removed. another harrowing experience for me that day. The lady applied some nice smelling blue coloured wax on my upper lips, told me it might hurt a little and then just yanked it out. It was damn painful lorrr... damnit. never before have i had any hair on any part of my body yanked out like that! But i loike the afterlook. Nice. Hubs says i now look more like a woman. Idiot.

3. i am getting manicure crazy.

after my relapse (i bit my fingernails again after i got stressed a few months back) i decided to test my determination in having nice fingernails again and i succeeded. so, now i pamper myself almost weekly with nice painted nails. its been quite often since i now have to handle chemicals (in the kitchen), became a chef (cooking meals for the family) and became a musician (will tell u more later). and i stopped picking my teeth with my pinky. yeah i know.. gross right. i had french, then i had gothic, now its shocking pink.

4. i became a musician.

sorta. learning how to play the guitar. Hubs bought a guitar from his colleague and this afternoon, we were listening to i'm yours by jason mraz and i decided to learn it. started with one finger, then tried three, couldnt get nice sounds out and i decided to stick with two. in the long run, i bet you know i will be going back to the keyboards. im learnt to strumm though. cool man. im now a musician. and me and hubs can busk in orchard and save money for cool holidays on ice.

5. i had my ears pierced.

i have an additional hole in each ear now. wee. damn painful. the girl who did it wasnt very nice. dint make me feel calm at all. but finally, i did it. so now i can have 4 earrings on at one time. in a weeks time, im going for the third hole.

6. i might be gg back to skool.

going to apply and pay the skool fees tomorrow. shut up you nay sayers. never use ur money so dunt open ur mouth. dad told me to do this one for mum. insyallah. starting on the 19th. cant wait. excited as hell. oh shit, I NEED NEW STATIONERY! hint* hint*

7. take up keyboard OR guitar lessons at Symphony Music School.

since i soooooo want to be a musician. i wanna take up learning a new instrument. need a new hobby, need to be a little musically inclined i guess. but i have always wanted to be part of a band. so far the position of a vocalist is something i can NEVER EVER fill. and at home i am TRYING the guitar, but with my pink, long and polished nails, my fat fingers and not being able to really see what im playing, im opting for the keyboard very soon since i have a piano at home and did attend lessons in my younger days.

so thats about whats been happening so far. and oh i hate BC to the core. Slave drivers. aniways, i havent shved my legs in quite a bit. looks a lil disgusting. And oh, im going paintballing tomorrow!!!!!!

seribu kenangan - didicazli

2008-07-11T02:40:00.001+08:00

wingardium leviosa

2008-07-10T17:53:00.001+08:00

woke up with a splitting headache. thts what u get for having irregular hours of sleep.

something exciting is happening tonite and tomorrow. It lifted my spirits up a little.

looking forward to it.

always be my baby - david cook

2008-07-10T07:20:00.001+08:00

kekasih gelapku - ungu

2008-07-10T07:15:00.000+08:00

cinta dalam hati - ungu

2008-07-10T06:59:00.001+08:00

mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dengan hidupmu, dengan hidupmu

telah lama kupendam perasaan itu
menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku

ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
meski ku tunggu hingga ujung waktuku
dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
dan izinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejap saja

demi waktu - ungu

2008-07-10T06:32:00.002+08:00

Aku yang tak pernah bisa lupakan dirinya
Yang kini hadir diantara kita
Namun ku juga takkan bisa menepis bayangmu
Yang slama ini temani hidupku

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya
Dan demi waktu yang bergulir di sampingmu
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu
Seandainya bila ku bisa memilih

Kalau saja waktu itu ku tak jumpa dirinya
Mungkin semua tak kan seperti ini
Dirimu dan dirinya kini ada di hatiku
Membawa aku dalam kehancuran

**Over the past month, i have taken a great interest in music from Indonesia. Their style of music, their lyrics and their soothing songs. One of my favourite bands (okie fine, i dunt know many) is Ungu. Great vocalist, great songs **

don't walk away - diamondintheruff

2008-07-10T06:14:00.003+08:00

Don't walk away

Please look back and see,

what you left behind

what you'd might be missing

i hold out my hands, for you

to touch and hold on to

you slowly release your grasp

as i lay there, alone till dusk

if you loved me,

don't walk away from me,

if you want me,

Turn around and return to me

hold my hand and never let go

i lay here, broken in pieces

hoping you'd pick me up

And fix me again

But i guess, i was just pushing my luck

you've gone, gone far away

i see you in the distance

screamed your name and called out

screamed till my voiced burnt out

if you love me,

don't walk away from me,

if you want me,

turn around and return to me

hold me tight and never let go

don't let go..

everything - diamondintheruff

2008-07-09T13:09:00.003+08:00

i sit all alone out here

with my face in my hands

i can feel the fear

creeping up inside of me

i lie alone in bed each night

curled up like a lost child

i cant stay no more in this fight

i have lost everything, everything

you said that you love me,

then why are you still not by my side,

you said that you want me,

then why are you giving up the fight

for us.

i walk alone in the dark,

wishing there was someone i could run to

but all i see through my eyes,

are blinding lights

i wish i could jump onto a track,

i wish i could just sleep forever,

the pain is unbearable,

when you have lost everything, everything.

you said that you love me,

then why are you still not by my side,

you said that you want me

then why are you giving up the fight

for us

im bleeding, pleading with you,

to hold me in your arms

im crying, dying and turning blue,

holding my breath till i feel you again.

defeated

2008-07-09T01:03:00.000+08:00

Here I've been going over reasons
And you keep looking over my shoulder
Hold me now to these promises I haven't made
Time will tell just how much you'll act on what
You’ve said

Either way, my mind's been made up for me
Either way, it's wearing me thin because
Even when, resisting instinctively
Even then, I find myself broken and I'm kneeling
Defeated

I've been exhausted for too long
Wide open, so listen
When you keep charging
This blood has a beat that's running, it's running out
My blood has a beat that's running, it's running out
Our blood has a beat that's running out

Either way, we're treating this carelessly
Either way, it's wearing me thin because
Even when, resisting instinctively
Even then, I find myself broken and I'm kneeling
Defeated

I'm too exhausted for the long haul
And I'm kneeling defeated

wake up the dead

2008-07-09T00:56:00.000+08:00

This is our city of the dead
Another life holds its weary head
We hope, we try, we live, survive
Counting days, trying to get by
Waiting for the calling
Anticipation in the air
We hope and dream of difference
City sleeping, unaware

Break the silence, WAKE THE DEAD
Running through these streets alone
I'll kick and scream, let's break this hold
Cuz I swear, and this won't render useless
I promise you, we've come this far
And I'm not stopping, I'm not stopping now
I'm not hiding in shadows
Wake up
Send out this message, it's clear

2x
You said, you said, you said
this time was gonna be different
WAKE UP THE DEAD

Coming alive
Something stirs inside
This isn't over yet
Shake off the dirt
Swallow regret
Stop living under the weight
Living under the weight of regret
Your regrets
DON'T LOSE HOPE
Your regrets
DON'T LOSE HOPE
Don't let it happen to you
DON'T LOSE HOPE
Which side are you gonna choose?
Cuz I believe, I believe it's in you.
RISE!

4x
We said, we said, we said
This time was gonna be different
WAKE UP THE DEAD

bullet for my valentine - curses

2008-07-09T00:47:00.001+08:00

We've waited far to long to, watch it all crash and fall through,

So when you feel like shit you gotta keep on pushing,

If you saw the world through my eyes, then you wouldn't feel so high rise,

Its time to take our chance you gotta sit back and hold tight.

There's forces working in our heads but we don't understand them,

I need a map to find my way out all the time,

Theres curses lurking in our heads but we don't want to find them,

We need to come back down and face what we've become.

The more I think the more I wish I could push stop then hit rewind,

What I would give to have a day back then when no one really cares,

I remember when we all used to kick back take days off school,

So many times I've smiled so many times I cried but never did we try,

Never did we try, because.

It's haunting me, I'm so alone,
I'm just trying to find my way back home,
I'm so alone, alone.

call me when you're sober

2008-07-09T00:38:00.001+08:00

Don't cry to me.

If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
[ Call Me When You're Sober lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

evanescence - missing

2008-07-09T00:29:00.001+08:00

missing

2008-07-09T00:23:00.000+08:00

Whispered:
Can you stop, please?
Can you stop the fire?
You cant stop the fire,
you wont say the words.
Please, Please

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Whispered:
Can you stop, please?
Can you stop the fire?
You cant stop the fire,
you wont say the words.
Please, Please

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out;
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something.......

Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Whispered:
Can you stop, please?
Can you stop the fire?
You cant stop the fire,
you wont say the words.
Please, Please

:: can we? ::

2008-07-08T08:53:00.002+08:00

awake for many damn hours and still counting. am at work now. not slept a wink since last night's escapade. i could have died. But i didnt. was it a sign?

" as i watched from my window, thinking i was inside, looking in on you"

Robbies was a bummer, so was YD. so was so many other freaking places.

i loved you, i am loving you and i will still love you.

i realised that marriage, love, comes with a whole damn lot of sacrifices. and if you are not willing to make it, it will never work.

so am i ready for changes. am i ready for sacrifices.

i am.

its time, i lived my life for my love. Its time i take charge the role of a wife.

Its time i become your wife, not just on paper. But in reality.

:: better with you ::

2008-07-08T00:34:00.003+08:00

It has been awhile since you are gone. And honestly, although it seemed okie at first, it has taken a toll on me.

how do we go back to where we started. how do we go back to what we had before.

im sorry for all that has been happening. i am sorry for causing us so much hurt.

remember our songs?

remember our laughs?

remember what we used to say - nothing could separate us?

do you still feel that way now?

life has been crazy without you.

but i want to be crazy WITH you.

fun days coming to an end

2008-07-06T08:54:00.002+08:00

9am. On bed. Still awake. Not slept yet.

watched our wedding video yesterday. cried and again wondered what happened.

went through the wedding album too.

tomorrow's monday - the old sakina is expected back at work.

wonder if i can pull through.

more memories

2008-07-02T06:21:00.000+08:00

memories will remain forever

2008-07-02T06:12:00.000+08:00

more of us

2008-07-02T06:09:00.000+08:00

us

2008-07-02T06:06:00.000+08:00

c squared SDL

2008-07-02T05:42:00.001+08:00

Confused.

Concussed.

Strained.

Drained.

Lost.

??

2008-07-02T05:38:00.002+08:00

5.45 am in the morning. how did we get to this?

"You can't live with my sarcasm, i can't tolerate your voice raising"

"Let's Just File It"

Stay

2008-07-02T05:25:00.002+08:00

"STAY"

you say i only hear what i want to

you say i talk so all the time so.

and i thought what i felt was simple,

and i thought that i don't belong

and now that i am leaving

now i know that i did something wrong

cause i missed you

yeah, i missed you

and you say i only hear what i want to

i don't listen hard,

i don't pay attention to the distance that you're running

to anyone or anywhere

i don't understand if you really care,

i'm only hearing negative: no, no, no

so i turned the radio on, i turned the radio up

and this woman was singing my song

the lover's in love, and the other's run away

the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay

some of us hover when we weep for the other who was

dying since the day they were born,

well, this is not that

i think that i'm throwing, but i'm thrown

and i thought i'd live forever, but now i'm not so sure

you try to tell me that i'm clever

but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you

you said that i was naive,

ad i thought that i was strong,

i thought "hey, i can leave, i can leave"

but now i know i was wrong, cause i missed you.

you said, "you caught me cause you want me and one day you'll let me go"

"you try to give away a keeper, or keep me cause you know you're just so scared to lose.

and you say, "STAY"

you say i only hear what i want to

:: Cabbie Wabbie ::

2008-06-19T13:16:00.003+08:00

Am dead beat at work. damn sleepy. Work piling. Yes i have been neglecting work a bit lately. Mind just doesn't funtion too well lately. Woke up late again today! Argh dammit.

Yesterday, had supper with the geng. Dint eat anything. Just had my favourite teh halia. As we were gg back, saw Sound Image's van - took a peek and found aaron blurry eyed sipping a hot cup of tea. Seems like it was a loong day for him.

There is this taxi driver who picks up most of my call to work, prolly lives nearly somewhere and usually he never speaks much to me. I just get in his cab and say "usual place" and off he goes. But today he seems a lil chatty than usual. Talked about his holidays overseas lah, and even his previous company's DnD at the Club. Pretty young chap (for a cabbie) and always seen in his signature black adidas wind breaker.

Aniways, starting to work late again. Yesterday only ended at 8plus and begged bak to fetch me from work. Which he did. And he promptly fell asleep the moment i stepped on the gas. He must have been pretty darn tired from work.

He should be currently at Raffles Country Club for his tournament right now. Wish you luck daddy!

gotta scoot! Byes!

:: random blahs ::

2008-06-18T03:18:00.002+08:00

something big happened last week. Left alone. A little unexpected. Perhaps for the better. Getting on with life. Good job. Gonna highlight my hair soon. Finally. Been having a good time. Golfed with dad. Made both our beds pretty much everyday. Leaving work early often. Enjoying nice dinners. But have been stressed, pale, looking like shit at work. Some asked some dint bother.

love my nights. still cant sleep well. TV and lights are switched on till morning everyday. Bills will increase. But no worries. It will be on daddy's giro soon. still suck in finance. am broke. bills and more bills this month sucked me dry, together with outstanding insurance. dint buy meself anything much this month. no expensive items, no new handbag, shoes etc.

my toe had an infection. couldnt walk properly. Started wearing heels yesterday and regretted. Had a near perfect weekend. Prolly gg for a trip to malaysia soon. Fishing. Kuala Rompin. Cant wait. Hopefully i get to tag along. Need a breather, need to get out of Singapore and need to ease my troubles.

okie. its late. since im broke, i have been taking the bus and i need to wake up earli.

gd nite fuckers.

:: You're a POOFER ::

2008-05-09T19:01:00.004+08:00

Well, what more can say. It seems you had to lie to get yourself out of a problem. A problem YOU yourself created in the very beginning when you stepped afoot. It suprises me that you could lie through your teeth and come up with reasons, explanations and even feigned ignorance about something that YOU wanted to do.

And you seem to forgot. I was the first person you informed. And you lied in front of me. I am still asking myself why i kept quiet. I cant believe a person with such a designation could do something like this. But then again, after all these years, you must have been used to it. Can't blame you then.

How do you feel knowing that i know about the lie? I really wonder? Does that make you feel ashamed? Or is it something you just sweep under the carpet?

I still had a little respect for you some time ago. This time, i have lost it all.

:: iceywicey's bear ::

2008-04-09T18:46:00.004+08:00

Diamond Iceywicey

Had a bear making workshop at the club today. And since im a craft lover, i had one done for myself.

It was a great workshop, esp. for kids. We were given bear skins ( a few colours and designs to choose from) before we were given the cotton to stuff our teddies with. This was a great way to determine how huggable you wanted your bear to be! Mine was more squishy and soft compared to those well stuffed teds. After stuffing the bears, we were each given a coloured heart where we can pen down our wishes, notes, thoughts, names etc (mine is: i love you hubby!) and the heart was inserted and placed INTO the teddy bear itself. Cool huh!

But before putting the heart into the bear, we were asked to clasp it between our palms, close our eyes and make a wish. and yeah, i did mine too! After all the stuffing was done, we then gave our teddies a special spa treatment. The teds were placed under a blower to dislodge any other particles or cotton left around it and to fluff it up a lil! Special shit man!

Weighing the teddies

That was done and we were next given a tee each to decorate it with some fabric paint. Mine had a heart and an iceywicey printed below it. But then, i just had to buy an extra dress for my bear - denim material with an ear ribbon to boot! She's the sweetest teddy ard, i swear!

And to sum it all up, our teddies were weighed, measured and given a birth certificate. Diamond Iceywiey was born on 9 April weighing 80g and measuring 32cm. She has a pink fur coat, brown eyes and loves me to bits!

:: Just our Luck! ::

2008-03-20T09:10:00.002+08:00

Some idiotic, MF, SOB - crashed into our car yesterday, without us knowing anything about it till Hub's parked at a colleague's house and saw it. The bloody crash left a gaping hole at the front bumber and many other visible cracks and the whole bumper is hanging precariously from the the frame of the car. Irresponsible jerk!

:: half way there, nope make it 1/3 ::

2008-03-17T18:44:00.006+08:00

the news i have been waiting for, for months have finally arrived. Boss told me that papa bear wants to meet me at 2.30pm today. And i was like... shit! Am i in trouble? Errr, punctuality problems perhaps? Or they giving me the boot?

So with cockroaches and worms in my tummy, i knocked on papa bear's door and went in.

And so it began.

He informed me of the changes that he has promised and informed me of the upcoming situation.

DT will be transferred officially over to my department as the Dept Head on 1st of April. And with that, i will be promoted to the A&E Executive. The post that i have been waiting to get for the past few months is finally mine. And i know i deserve it. My hardwork, my hair tearing sessions, my relapse to nail biting is all worth it. And they did increase the ka-ching abit. Okielah. Acceptable.. for now.

Alhamdullilah. I am really thankful for this promotion and my future boss is a dear too. Great, hardworking and funny man with the knowledge and skills of F&B, we are gonna rock the house soon.

And yeah, i asked daddy to treat me to dinner today. Cos i am broke.

:P

:: the roof is on fire ::

2008-03-17T14:18:00.005+08:00

cleaning with good morning cloth

actually, the roof was leaking. Nope, more like the ceiling. i came back to work today with a whole lot of debris on my table. All my stuff toys were strewn all over my table, the little Mr Mini Egg-Grass head had its contents in the cracks of my keyboard and my files were all kept under someone else's table.

mario and his friends.. hub & me too!

This i found out was due to the telephone cabling done over the weekend. But that's not all. Aparrently, some air con duct got clogged up over the weekend and it was literally raining buckets above CY's desk, which was next to mine. We opened up 2 umbrellas to protect the computer, cablings, files, documents from turning into wet mashed up scribbles.

But, all my darling stuff toys are back at their original positions. Smiling intently at me. Some faggot used to tell me off about having too many cuties around my desk and that Papa Bear doesnt like it! Now papa bear comes quite often to my desk and has not even mentioned it to me even once! Jealous kapa!!!

my silent pets

Good news in next post!

:: Honey Milk Balls ::

2008-03-17T13:42:00.003+08:00

suck on my chocolate honey balls

Okie, am back from lunch which consisted of farny combination of dishes. Fried chicken with white rice with nasi ayam chilli and some funnie looking vege. Its time to change the damn menu man!

Aniways, here's what i promised. Honey Milk Ball Recipe.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup honey

1/2 cup peanut butter

1 cup non fat dry milk solids aka milk powder lahhhhhhhhhhh

1 cup uncooked quick oats (or cereal)

Directions:

1. Mix honey and peanut butter into a bowl

2. Add and stir milk powder and oats

3. Use a tablespoon to scoop a spoonful of mixture and shape into balls between your palms.

4. Place balls on plate and serve

5. Eat!

Do try this out with the kids. Makes fantastic afternoon snacks!

And don't forget, the balls go great with a cup of cold milk...

:: Rule #2 - Wake up Earlie!! ::

2008-03-17T10:52:00.003+08:00

so i am back at work today. a monday. at 9 blardi am. Still sleepi and tired. And yes, i was awake last night playing Tiger Woods' PGA 2008 on my PSP. and yes i am addicted to it. Have been playing it in the cab, in the car, on bed before i sleep each night, much of the whole day during my sick leave and even in the loo when im shitting. I love the game to pieces, or am i just trying to prove to hubby that i can beat his score and do even better than him. Im doing a lousy job so far if you might ask.

Saturday, i had to work - did the lil chef thingy. Honey milk balls. Sounds yummy. It was actually. A simple recipe for those mothers who wants their kids to have a lil preview into cooking / baking / learning different types of ingredients etc. Will give you the recipe in the next entry.

That afternoon, went out with CM and hubby to Funan. Had a great time and we went home with plans to meet CM at his home and check out the PGA Golf 2008 on his PS3. nasri came over to clear the junk in my house and keep things organised and spinky spanky clean.

When it was time to go to CMs, hubby started recommending other things to do / places to visit that night. That seems strange as plans were already made to go to CMs house. But before i could ask further (i think hubs knew it was coming), he decided to tell me why. He felt that CM was not so forthcoming in his invitation to our house that night. Not too sure why though. But judging from the SMS and calls we received, we decided its best to avoid the place and grab some yummylicious MIL food.

Sunday i rotted like a pig. As usual. Woke up to a wonderful suprise. Breakfast was waiting for me. I SWEAR TO GOD, before i came down, i decided to make breakfast for Hubby that morning. Same type of food - Roti Telor. But i guess he beat me to it. Idiot.

Then after the hearty breakfast with nice coffee, i settles my ass on the sofa and watch TV before i felt the urge to shit. Went up to the toilet and then nestled in bed with Hubby and promptly feel asleep again. Heh.

Aniways, that night we and hub had dinner at Causeway Point followed by a movie - Rule #1 (there are no ghosts), yeah rite, which spooked the living shits outta me. Hubs wasnt spared either, he jumped every 5 second when the ghosts pops up. Sigh, what happened to my hunk?

CM smsed hub during the show with jsut a question mark. and we replied in confusion too.

Aniways, was informed that GM wants to see me at 2.30pm today. Feeling the jitters. Am i in some kind of shit? Let's wait and see. will tell u later what its all about.

For now. I am hungry, as usual. and i am sleepi too.

As hubby would say, " as usual .... "

And oh, just heard that cooking oil prices will increase by 16% tomorrow. Let's start steaming and boiling food from now on okie? No more deep fried shits.

:: stupid girl ::

2008-03-15T11:42:00.004+08:00

I'm a SLAVE for you. Is that what i am? I am sick and tired and pissed and farking frustrated with work. Damn hell, i have been slogging my ass for a good 4 months eversince that fucking faggot got sacked and after the fucking bitch went AWOL.

What the hell am i doing here. I am not paid a single hour of OT. I am answerable to all the shits that happen. I am doing the job of 3 people, the manager, the executive and the coordinator. And what fuck do i get? a $150 pay increase that will be gone once the manager comes in? Who the hell do you think i am?!

You think im a fucking robot?! You think just because of my love for my job that gives you the extra edge knowing that i will never quit? Wheres the new boss i was promised, wheres my assistant that was promised? Wheres the change in designation and wheres the fucking MONEY!!! That fucking faggot got a whole of dough for doing shit and even eating into your bank and i am paid less for more shit to face?

And you think i am super woman? That i dunt fucking get sick? And who the fuck will attend, plan and execute all the bloody events if not me?! Why? Digg this man, if i dunt turn up for an event just for the sake of it, just for fun, do you think the show will go on? DO you think anyone else bothers? Do you think anyone gives a fuck?!

The only fucking thing that they care about is my punctuality and my attendance. Which i can safely say that the latter has not problems. But why the fuck am i staying back way beyong 5.30pm every fucking day?! For fucking fun?!

I am still sticking and holding on because of the love i have for my job. Let's jsut wait and see how much longer i can take this shit.

:: We turn ONE in BINTAN! ::

2008-03-13T16:03:00.005+08:00

the love note in the sand

Hubs and me celebrated our one year annie on 10 March '08. A month before the annie, we decided to make plans for a mini getaway for just the two of us. Many places were in mind, mostly beach resorts as that is what we love the most. However, due to some financial contraints and the need to go to a better resort, we decided to ditch our plans and save up for a bigger, longer getaway.

But as you know my hubby will always come up with suprises and he did! He called me one day and said that he bought tickets for us to Bintan Lagoon Resort. I was over the moon! I could not wait for my annie celebration and on top of that a well deserved holiday after months of headache at the office.

my granny couldn't take the long ferry ride, so she slept

We left that mid afternoon and raced to the ferry terminal (we are star karats as you already know) and proceeded to do our check in, not before going into the golf shot and paying $48 for a cute lil pink strawhat that made me look like one bubbly strawberry short cake - the fat version, no wait, the chubby version.

Before long, we reached paradise. Our room number was 1006 and was located at the end of the west wing, next to the nature trek, next to nothing. But it was cosy enough for me. We dropped our bags, settled down and got nekkid. Heh.

Aniways, we were quite shocked at the price of the food, activities and yada yada in that resort. It was day light robbery! It was a rip off! How was i going to survive 3 days without having the freedom to eat anything and everything. One piece of steak costs $70!

We bonked a lil, okie a lot before heading out to reccee the place more. The first night, we spent it watching liverpool beat the shit out of newcastle and had a song dedicated to us by the band at the club. Coolness.

Next morning, with green smoke filled mouth and trash smelling breath, we headed for breakfast. Blurry eyed me was yanked out of bed by Hubs before "we miss breakfast". After breakkie, we decided to head for the pool! Woohoo! And i ordered a $7 cup of milo from the pool bar to ease my topsy turvy stomach.

the elephant seals taking a dip

Pooling was nice. It woke us up from our slumber and made us fresher. Once settled in our room, we decided to do a lil roaming. To pasar Oleh2 we went where we managed to squeeze in a massage for half the price of what they were offering back at the resort. I managed to clear nearly a whole store of it clothes (nearly!) and we had some not so fantastic late lunch, bought some spices and barang2 for cooking before heading back to the resort. Once there, we plonked onto bed and fell asleep with the promise to wake up at 9pm and go karaoke-ing. The only karaoke-ing that happened that night was the incessant snores from hubs. I woke up at 2pm, woke hubs up coz i couldnt sleep, watched world trade centre on HBO and went back to sleep leaving hubs wide awake as usual.

the iceywiceys at the beech

That morning, we headed bleary eyed again to the breakfast counter before heading to the beach. We just wanted to feel the sand on our feet and listen to the waves. But we were so taken in by the fun that the beach goers were having, we decided to head right back to the room and change into our beech attires!

The wave was humongous, and that made me think back to the time the boxing day tsunami took place. The impact and force of the sea and waves are not to be undermined. The waves trashed me about and the under current was strong that it even pulled hubs a few times to the ground and away from the beach.

But it was FUN! Great fun as i have not been to the beach and taken a dip for a few years now. After beeching, we headed back to the room for some loving before we were called to check out. We thought our late check out request was granted, alas, there was another couple checking in at 3pm. So 15 minutes was all it took before we started packing and headed out to the ferry terminal. BUT, before having a hell of time picking out clothes (yes, again!) at the "The REAL BANDUNG factory outlet" and splurged yet again. According to hubs, i bought clothes that would have lasted us a year. (and yeah he is lying)

Time well spent with the love of my life on a historic date in a beautiful beach paradise. What more could i ask for. errrrr wait..... i wanna go for another getaway soon!

:: my seals, my life ::

2008-03-07T17:55:00.006+08:00

I just found out yesterday that i have a new nickname.

Yes, new cause before this new one, Chef Kevin called me cupcake.

Then yesterday as he was passing by my desk, he mentioned somthing to my cousin before the both of them burst into fits of laughter. So i asked, "What's so funny? What did he say?"

Then my cousin informed me that he now calls me Mamam Bear.

Mamam - slang for Eat

Bear - Cute and furry , okie more like cute, furry and BIG.

So i asked him, "Why you call me mamam bear ah?"

To which he replied, "Becoz everytime i turn around and see you, you are always munching on something!"

the mamam bear is coming your way...

Okie, sounds fair enough for now.

A lot of people have teased me about my weight, my size, my body shape, my ill fitting clothes, my spare tyres, my bulging tummy and my constant snacking.

So far... it has not affected me yet. I do feel like shit at times, when i realised that some new (about 2 months old) clothes i bought failed to fit me! The buttons around the chest area don't meet no more! (Yes! My bust size has increased tremendously over the past few years) But the reason is becoz the boobs appeared when the weighing scale started to groan!

It appears the size of boobs has very much to do with the weight you're putting on! (unless you decide to visit Doctor Fix-It and have some slab of jelly inserted into Mounts Venuses)

My reasons for my weight increase could be due to some factors.

1. I call my chauffeur each day to bring me to work as opposed to walking to the mrt station and getting some morning exercise.

2. After marriage, hubby picks me up from work each day (unless i have the car) and i walk only about a total of less than 50 steps to from the car to my home. So, yeah am like a pampered princess.

3. I know this is soooooooo "cerita lama". But i WAS in a touch rugby team. In fact 2! I was playing for the Police and the other for college. I had practices 4 times a week in total. And that might have kept my weight down. And ever since leaving the squad, my butt size grew with age.

4. Being in the events and activities industry, and having a whole department all to yourself, you tend to work late every other night. And that means, i get to leave the office only at about 8ish, 9ish and sumptimes even 10ish. And that is the time i have my dinner. I will be damn hungry that i will gobble down anything and everything that is in front of me. And then you remember the skinny girls at work say, "Don't eat anything after 7 (some say 8) as that is the fastest way to gain weight!" So what am i to do?

5. Munching Mama, Mamam Bear - yes i admit. I love to munch. I get hungry easily. I love ferreros and can eat a whole damn box in a day. My desk used to be a mini pantry. Colleagues who buy food, snacks everyday will shove them right in front of my face knowing i would like some. And i am trying to cut down. So far, i have managed to keep strong and refuse any snacks / cakes / tidbits shoved into my face.

I have always wanted o have an ideal weight. The problem to the butt size is unavoidable as it has always been there. My thighs have been looking like baby elephant seals since god knows when. But i wish, wish i could at least shed off the 1 carton sitting on my tummy (though am not looking towards having a 6 pack), cut down some meat from the thighs, tone up the butt a bit and say goodbye to the flabby arms. (now i wave ala Miss Universe style, with just little twists with the wrists). I know i have been avoiding this myself and keep on telling myself that i am comfortable in my body and people should too and that hubs loves me no matter how i look, (yeah, even like yusni jaffar). But i think it is really time for me to take my weight into consideration.

one of the twin seals that are stuck to the lower half of my body

Not for beauty sake, not because i am vain but more for my health. I climb up to my block of flats each night huffing away. I get leg cramps if i walk to much or when i try to stretch myself on bed. I have a bad back cos due to the size of my butt, my body doesn't lie on a flat plane.

Colleagues (some of them!) have been concerned for my health and my weight and have sent me articles they think can benefit me. Thank you. For now, let's take one step at a time. But, hey, where do i start?!

:: Of Frames & Puppets ::

2008-03-05T23:25:00.007+08:00

Trying to solve the manpower shortage issue, boss gave me a girl from the F&B department. A waitress working at the pub in the club. She was to work under me part time for awhile and at the same time to experience life at AE before we decide to keep her permanently.In actual fact, when word got out that i was looking for a subordinate, she met me late one evening when i was in the office and enquired about the vacancy. I was a little apprehensive at first but her determination and her hunger for knowledge and experience won me over. I informed boss to give her 2 weeks before we assessed if she was indeed a suitable candidate.

For the first few days, i taught her the basic paper work, filing, doing the event orders, photocopying and laid out the AE operations. I was impressed. What she lacked in skills, she made it up with her drive to learn everything about AE.

Several days passed before her little shortfalls appeared. She was a lil blur, she has a lil difficulty understanding basic computer skills and she is forgetful. She did appear agitated once when i sort of lost my cool over the last weekend. But honestly, she received the best treatment from me. I was nicest to her (apart from 2 other ladies under my care).

But yesterday, i was informed by her that she wanted to transfer over to

the F&B industry. I was shocked. I thought she had it good. Errr, was it me that drove her to the end of the plank? I caught/found her talking to our CV the previous morning and had a little feeling that either CV or she herself will be approaching me with some news soon. And i was spot on.

When questioned as to why she has made her decision as such, she informed me that a GUY FROM THE HOUSEKEEPING DEPT (how surprising!) approached her and told her that her current designation requires a person who is talented and knowledgeable and that it is an uphill task for her. He informed her that she lacks the talent for the position. When i heard this i was like WTF? Why are you snooping around MY department and saying such things to my girls?

She was quite upset by that incident and felt that she was not competent enough. She felt that it was too hard a task. She dint mind working with me and enjoyed the time together but she feels that she is not up to it. She informed me that she felt much safer and more comfortable in the F&B department.

So who am i to stop her.

I did inform her though that if her main reason is because of the no-good-sob-dickhead, then she should just brush it aside, and give her best and prove to people that she can perform. But, if she really really really feel that the F&B industry is where she felt most comfortable in, i wont force her to stay. I believe in job satisfaction, no pint keeping someone who has her passion and heart in another department.

And guess what! Perfect timing! Yes perfect! Why? Because it just so happens that this month is busy as hell! the weeks after good friday is where most of the international schools are having their easter break. I have dance bootcamps, Easter activities, Trip to Desaru Fruit Farm, St Patrick's Day celebration, Grand Prix in Malaysia, Frog Farm Tour and of course, i am flying off to HK for the HK7's at the end of the month. And other monthly activities like craft sessions etc.

So great! I am yet again stranded. Left all alone to run the department since

November. Why i say november is becoz the bitch aint done nothing much right till her "departure" in January.

Boss agreed to get me someone soon permanently. Let's wait and see.

Aniways, last week's craft session was MY VERY OWN PICTURE FRAME. i bought blank wooden frames which cost about $3 for a set of 3. Provided the kids with beads, shimmers, buttons, glitters, gems and whatnots and allowed them to create their very on picture frame. I did one about 15 minutes before the arrived, to sort of provide a sample of an End product. This was how it looks like. Still a little too bare but couldn't be bothered to continue. Wanted to have the double striped line effect like hub's trusted car, but it dint turn out that way.

the two glittered stripes that became one huge mess

Anyways, today we had the wooden spoon puppets. Take a wooden spoon, add some paint, some cloth, some buttons, some beads, add wooglie eyes, paint the mouth and hair and viola~ you got yourself a new puppet to play with an can make your entire theatrical casts. This was how mine looked.

okie, he IS kinda ugly and a lil senget

Well, it was quite a busy day today, but managed to squeeze in some time for my facebook and left when the sun was still up. Time to wash up and head to the bed!

Good nite and have a great day tomorrow. Me, i got a member's cocktail party to attend tomorrow evening. See yah!

:: you're late babe ::

2008-03-03T17:08:00.003+08:00

This is one job application that i should apply for!

Yes, yes. Again today. But today was the worst. Eyes opened at 9.00am, the exact same time i was supposed to have my butt at my workstation. Bleargh. Had a quick shower, called my chauffeur and off to work i went.

mothering sundae day

2008-03-01T00:48:00.005+08:00

me waiting patiently to pay for my goods

today is UK's mothering sundae and i called in 2 nail artists to the club to pamper the mums silly. Not well to go to work today, left the co-ordinating to my part-time AE coordinator.

me and hubs left home at 5pm to go get some toiletries. we decided on vivo city as my crap-tree and evil-lyn card was ready for collection.

but in the end as usual, things that were planned din't quite go how we planned. we ended up watching the newest spoof, Meet the Spartans. Quite lame but if you are in need of a good laff, this movie will sorta work for you.

being at vivo city, we wasted no time in having our fish soup with rice before rushing to catch the movie.

and.. becoz of the movie, we ended up with GIANT closed and our toiletries still not purchased.

Martina Pink - Bag #1

but of course, what's vivo without some shopping. i recalled seeing an advert several days ago about a Martina Pink document bag and sunday bag going less than half the price. Dragging hubs to TANGS, i headed straight for the handbag department. After trying to explain to the promoter for a good 3 minutes about the bags i was looking for, she finally realised what i was talking about.

Martina Pink - Bag #2

there stood the bags, 10 steps away from me. When i first saw the advert, i so wanted the document bag ONLY. However, after seeing the other bag, with a heavy heart (honest!), i decided to purchse it as well. My budget for shoping today was $50 and i hit the target right on.

Hubs and i ended our Sunday at the Royal Prata Shop, where their service was far from charming. But we had a good, no fantastic time, talking about our past.

a fabulous sundae, i had.

:: My First Post ::

2008-02-29T14:57:00.000+08:00

Yups, my very first post on my newest blogsite where i can rant, bitch, gossip about anything and anyone. This page was in standby mode for a good 4 hours before i managed to put any of my rantings down because of a string of meetings that took place today.

Well, it's February the 29th. And in four years time, it would be the first anniversary of this blog. In four years time on Feb 29, it will be a year old.

Whatever.

Its 6.48pm. I am still at work as usual. Trying my best to calm my brain down. Too many things too little time. Ahhhh.. don't i say that all the time!

Few things to note down now.

1) The disappearing act of Singapore's most wanted man MAS SELAMAT BIN KASTARI.

The news came as a shock to me when i first found out. A prison break? In Singapore? In a secured detention centre? Is that possible? Hah. If course it is. Like many Singaporeans i beleive, we, the Citizens of Singapore have become too complacent. Yes, i do believe that. We think that Singapore is the safest city in the whole wide world. We THINK our government and our military forces and our cool boys in blue are the best and can tackle anything and anione. We THINK that since we managed to stop these terrorists from executing their plans years ago, we are invincible. But sorry guys. This is the reality. This episode opened our eyes.

Working at Bukit Tinggi, off Dunearn Road, Off Bukit Timah, Off Off Whitley Detention Centre, kept me on my toes these few days. Working with a foreign association, kept me at the edge on my seat too. Every few minutes, i would be searching the website for any other developments that might have taken place. If they had found him. If the streets of Singapore were safe again.

Colleagues and news reports confirmed by believe that not ALL Singaporeans had their eyes opened to this episode. I hear people saying that they are not afraid, neither are they worried as they believe that the "forces" will apprehend this chap soon. I beg to differ. This time, i feel, Singapore lost. It will be a while, perhaps weeks or even months.. or even YEARS before we have him incarcerated again.

Someone said, i quote, "... posed no imminent danger to the public". And yet another one said, "Mas Selamat might resort to taking ahostage or even a reckless act of terror." How can he not be an imminent danger to public? How can he not be a threat to our security! He is and still is a NATIONAL SECURITY threat and yet, they sais that he "posed no imminent danger to public" Sorry guys, but that a bunch of bull.

"...not to speculate" he says. Not to speculate?! These are situations which COULD and WILL happen! It gives us the options to find a good and proper approach to apprehending him!

He could have taken people hostage. He could have just taken any student from the nearby schools, or a taxi driver or even civilians who just happen to cross his path to get what he wanted. Remember, he is the leader of the JI movement here.

That's it man. Im not gonna rant on anymore for today. My hubby might just think that i am taking this too seriously and that i should let it go. But again, he knows me better than that.

Singaporeans, please wake up. The time has come for us to really take a step back and think about our country, our safety and our complacency. That's all i have got to say for now cos i am having a headache.

To MAS SELAMAT, pls tell us how you managed to escape and make a mockery of the security system in Singapore. I really would like to know. And your fellow citizens too.