Too much different emotions crept inside of me. One moment all i felt was happiness, the other, despair and depressed. Getting 2 clowns as part of my group assignment was a complete disaster that left me and my clone slogging each nite till 5am to get it finished and done with. analyzing 30 articles about the by-election is really no joke.
feeling of emptiness came again. what do i want in life. Do i want a colourful life filled with excitement round every corner, or do i yearn for a smooth, calm and quiet life. It seems like the rat race never ends. The expectations are never met and the duties are never fulfilled.
i ponder each night as i lay awake till the wee hours of the morning... would it have been different if mum was still around, loving me, guiding me and being there for me when i needed someone the most. I am missing her terribly. Just the other day during my open house, wak pah gave me a gift for my upcoming birthday. She said that the gift was meant for my mum. i dint understand.
2 years ago, mum and her went shopping in KL, just the 2 of them enjoying a nice, short getaway together. They were in a shop when my mum came across a nice looking table clock. If i am not mistaken it is from precious thots. She mentioned to wak pah that she loved that clock a lot but decided against buying it. Without her knowing, wak pah bought the item and planned to present it to her on her birthday in october. But alas, mum, never lived to see that day. Never ever managed to open the gift wak pah had bought for her just 2 months before. Who could have known that my mum would be snatched away from me so abruptly.
For 2 whole years, wak pah had kept the present with her. Wak pah even avoids entering the shop they visited together in KL. For 2 whole years, she tried giving it to others for their birthday, but couldnt. And in the end, this year, she gave it to me. When she related the story of how she acquired the gift, i cried. i felt so lonely without my mum. i feel so alone.
What is my purpose in this life anyway. What am i here for? What is expected of me.
i have been a terrible daughter. a terrible employee, a terrible student, a terrible wife and this will ultimately make me a terrible mother.
My dad id 65 this year, yes, 65. And i still cling on to him and need him. He is the light of my life and i feel so guilty when we have our misunderstandings. By now, i should be the one looking after him, he should have been retired and should be enjoying his retirement golfing etc. But no, this little scum bag still cant afford to look after one dad. I am against him ever marrying again (he hasnt had any intension too aniways) but i cant even look after him properly! He doesnt have decent meals each day, even his clothes i take forever to wash, he still pays the utility bills, he rarely eats home cooked food as i rarely cook, i still have not been able to give him some cash each month for expenses and the list goes on.
what sort of a daughter am i?
sometimes, the things to do in life, the decisions you make are mistakes that are irreversable. and you live with them throughout your life.
Don't even start with what a lousy wife i am. just ask my husband, he will be glad to fill in the details and list them out, or maybe not, he might just give you hints and be sarcastic.
nevermind sakina, mak is always looking down on u, insyallah one day, things will get better. And you will be able to smile again.
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