tag! ur it!

and so, you have found me.
grinz.

Aniways, yups, no ones perfect, everyone has an agenda behind them, everyone has had failed relationships, pple have made mistakes and moved on.

if ignore and let it be is what you have decided on. then keep to your words. cos i am moving on and not looking back. i dunt need pple to emphatize with me however as its a battle i am raging alone. if u have known, this blog is only made known to handful of pple and defnitely not the "whole world" that you have assumed it to be.

i am leading on my life with the small family that i have now, yups ur uncle included by the way. If the whole chalet episode is still on ur mind and ur bitter about tht i suggest we have a sit down with all involved and set things straight. Cant believe something can blow out of proportion and last this long without getting solved. If ur still unhappy and you still have issues, lets settle them instead of ranting on and on and never close the case.

yes. we are family. we are having the same blood line but if something like this cant be solved than i wonder what else can. Bak has told me stories of the past that has happened to him and all he can do in his position is to forgive and move on. I wished i had my father's resilience.

and yeah. i know you holds some kind of power in ur hands. But i guess somethings things happen for a reason. it happened and it make me open up my eyes a little bigger to the world around me and to be thankful what i already have. sometimes, shit needs to happen for you be more appreciative of things around you. your life, your family, your career.

i am building these now step by step hoping id get to where i want to be in the near future. i dunt want to make the mistakes i have done to my mum; to my dad.

i am back, back again

New location. New Office. Due to some conflict of interest in the last situation, i was offered a better working environment (less insects, better air), better moolah, better benefits etc etc etc and i have moved on.

Today marks my 1 monthlyversary.

And they say, you cant get 'em all. So 1 aspect of my life took a turn for the worse when another was getting better. My health. These past 2 months alone, i have visited the hospitals and private clinics no less than 10 times. Each time getting the neb. Each time, waking up in the middle of night and getting breathless. My chest hurts so much and it gets so tight that at times i feel i am just just clutches away from the grim reaper. It hurts real bad. My inhalers don't work no more. It used to be so easy for me to pump some into my mouth, feel all better and resume the activities that i have been doing. But now, even 10 puffs of the inhaler wont get me anywhere near better lung capacity. My airways get inflammed and i start gasping for breath. Im looking into some traditional medicine that has been tried and tested and proven successful. Id try anything at this moment to get my illness under control again. I have been good and even been using the preventors AND the steroids on a daily basis but they just dunt seem to work.

What's making it worse? People who just cant leave me alone. People who incessantly pry and crticize. The very same people who seek help from me when they most needed me - or my monies. What's even worse? They're family.

I couldnt sleep at all last night thinking about what was happening around me. With technological advances, people can screw you so easily online and defame you as well. I was labelled - "the one who is always up to no good" - by some idiot who doesnt even know me well. Whom i am not even close to. What right do you have to label me such. I have never even disturbed ur life. While mine has been stomped upon by my so called family for years, even continuing after the demise of my mother. One even laughed and said that i portrayed myself as a "victim". The very same person who would look for me if they're short of cash. And even borrowed an item i bought with my "very first pay, my hard earned money" for years, i might say and don't have the cheek to return it back. Nie bukan buruk siku - aku pinjamkan kau bender tu. But if you are as insensitive and can have the cheek to scream at me and insult me, then arent you embarrassed by using my property. Have you forgotten the times when you are so bloody shot of cash and you turned to me for help? Don't you even have the cheek to return it back to me? Are you claiming it as yours since its been with you for ages?

Perhaps I am too soft hearted, too lenient and swallow everthing that comes by when i was younger. when i was naive. when i was gullible. But hey, no way. not now animore peeps. No more. Enough is enough. I am carying my mum's legacy - i know how every single one of you have hurt my mum. I have it all in my hands. At the tip of my fingers and at the tip of my tongue. And if i lashed out, it means you have crossed my limit.

Meeting his namesake

Second day of CNY and dad is back from his golf vacation - 3 whole days of nothing but golf in Malaysia. To spend the day with him, me and hubs decided to bring him to the Singapore Zoo, to visit Omar. The only white tiger who did not attack the cleaner who climbed to his death in the den.

Slightly after two, we made our way to the zoo. Dad has not been to the zoo in ages and i bet he was suprised by the many changes that has happened over the decade. The queue was horrendously long, since it was CNY but thanks to speedy good service from the staff, i was at the ticketing counter in no time. And wow, dad, being a senior citizen, got his ticket at only $9 freaking dollars!

It has been awhile since me and hubby went to the zoo and it was a great outing for all the 3 of us. Although we missed several feeding times and several shows, we had a blast watching it from the fringes.

Since me and hubs missed a fair share of golf together, we made plans to head down to the range that night. But all 3 knocked out the moment we got home! So lets leave it for another day.

Thanks God, for this wonderful, small yet special family of mine.

So which way do you want it to go?

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for

something

you are not"

Sentosa-ing on CNY

Something happened today that dampened my spirits. Mad me mad, made me sad and made me go WTF! Plans to go to sentosa was about to go down the drain as i was really in a bad mood. But i guess hubby knows best. So he sent me off to take a bath and then we decided to go out. It was during the walk to the carpark that i once again decide not to let anione ruin my day, my holiday or my life. How i wish it was easy for me to just wipe out unhappy thought and moments or the negativity in our life to just move on happily.

good happy thoughts people. That's just what i did. I decided to just put all these obstacles aside as i determine my mood, i determine my life. i make myself happy and only i can decide how i want to feel and how i want my day to go.



so off to sentosa we went. Hubby informed me that we would be taking the skyride and all these while i thought he meant we were going up the carlsberg tower. But i was soooooooo wrong! The skyride is an attraction in sentosa that includes reaching great heights, sitting on a wooden bench, secured with a plastic looking bar. But unsafe as it looks, i had a blast. It was terrifying at first but once i was up, i was on a high!

After the exhilirating, nerve wrecking, nearly pee-ed in my pants ride, me and hubby headed to the sentosa 4d magix. We caught the pirates show and it was a mind blasting..hehehehe.

You shud try it sometime. Worth every cent paid. next, we chanced upon a snake charmer and had our pictures taken with an albino phyton. It was scary as the snake's head kept heading for my face! But what an experience.

thank you my beloved for giving me a great time today and making sure my head stays sane and my feet are firmly on the ground (except during the skyride!).

i love you! and happi chinese new year!

Smile Darling, life is just beginning.

i sit and ponder, how things have changed for the past few months, past few years. and i realised that on the surface, things do change but deep down their hearts, their real thoughts and feelings remain.

once an outcast, always an outcast, no matter which direction you go, which road you take and which level of achievement you have undertaken. Life's like that darling. Take it with a pinch of salt, after you've downed the shot of tequila and cringed your face.

People are pretentious. Every single one of them. Including me, including you.

So live your life with the ones you really love, and the ones who realli love you and put aside those who seem to care, who seem to matter to you, who seem to like and love, as they are there just as obstacles for you to overcome. They pull you back from where you intended to be. And if you allow it to happen, you are but a fool.

So let it go, Smile. Lift your head up and know that you are someone. That you are special. And no one can take that away from you.

Light up my Life

i have been sick again. This time it is lasting more than a week. In fact, its gonna be 2 weeks of on and off fever, flu and asthma for me. I have visited the doctor a total of 3 times, each giving me a myriad of medication to deal with. Some was bitter to swallow, like reality.

I wonder if all these are happening to me because of pregnancy. Nope, i have not checked myself yet but wonder if these are the symptoms you get when you are pregnant. you know, hormonal changes, body adjusting and yada yada.

Somehow the programs i watched on the telly today were related to pregnancy! The moment i turned on the tv, the tyra banks show was on. And the bombshell was interviewing a lady, who was 5 months pregnant, and was still smoking a pack a day. They talked about her addiction and what were the dangers the unborn baby was facing with the habit.

I am a smoker. I am addicted. And it isnt something i say now with pride. Years ago, smoking was cool. It made me feel like i was part of society, part of a group of friends who were smokers. But when years go by, it wasnt for the glamour. I was hooked. and hooked bad.

Id find myself scouring for money in the house just to get a pack of cigarettes. Sometimes, i made sure that i had enough sticks for the following morning as i knew id get very cranky if i dint. Once, i even told hubby that if he didnt get me a pack, he knows how id turn out - nasty and he doesnt want tht to happen, does he?

i am chained, shackled at the feet at the mercy of these cigarettes. Even when im having asthma like now, and am a little breathless, i reach out for my pack, light up my stick, and have my ventolin inhaler within reach. I am a slave to the cigarette. It gives me a kind of satisfaction, of steadiness, of calmness when i inhale and exhale.

I know the damage it has done to me. And whats worse, being an asthmatic and at the same time being a smoker, is just signing ur deal with the reaper in advance. i am scared that if i get pregnant one day, id still be smoking. That id be smoking secretly behind my husband's back, relieving my craving and satisfying my addiction. I am so afraid that by being this addicted, even the addiction is stronger than the love that i have for my unborn child.

I guess it is easy for people to judge us when they are not in our shoes. I used to shun and look down as i saw mums pushing their children in their prams or are pregnant and smoke at the same time. I thought that if i was them, the least id do, is smoke in privacy and not out in the open when pple can judge them and shun them. Then i realised, id be worse of then them. I d be a hypocrite.

Quiting before getting pregnant was something i have always thought about. But i am no where near the starting line to that freedom. I know i dunt want to quit. But at the same time i know i need to. For myself, my health, and my future generation. At times, you see pple doing worse off than you, pregnant mothers who drink alcohol, take drugs etc and you think a smoking mother warrants less guilt compared to the other group. Well, you're wrong. Ultimately, harm does come to the unborn child.

So what do i do now? What if i found out that i was pregnant? Do i try going cold turkey? Do i try to do it step by step, slowly and try to quit along the way, knowing very well, each time i inhale, my baby inhales the same poison as me.