Light up my Life

i have been sick again. This time it is lasting more than a week. In fact, its gonna be 2 weeks of on and off fever, flu and asthma for me. I have visited the doctor a total of 3 times, each giving me a myriad of medication to deal with. Some was bitter to swallow, like reality.

I wonder if all these are happening to me because of pregnancy. Nope, i have not checked myself yet but wonder if these are the symptoms you get when you are pregnant. you know, hormonal changes, body adjusting and yada yada.

Somehow the programs i watched on the telly today were related to pregnancy! The moment i turned on the tv, the tyra banks show was on. And the bombshell was interviewing a lady, who was 5 months pregnant, and was still smoking a pack a day. They talked about her addiction and what were the dangers the unborn baby was facing with the habit.

I am a smoker. I am addicted. And it isnt something i say now with pride. Years ago, smoking was cool. It made me feel like i was part of society, part of a group of friends who were smokers. But when years go by, it wasnt for the glamour. I was hooked. and hooked bad.

Id find myself scouring for money in the house just to get a pack of cigarettes. Sometimes, i made sure that i had enough sticks for the following morning as i knew id get very cranky if i dint. Once, i even told hubby that if he didnt get me a pack, he knows how id turn out - nasty and he doesnt want tht to happen, does he?

i am chained, shackled at the feet at the mercy of these cigarettes. Even when im having asthma like now, and am a little breathless, i reach out for my pack, light up my stick, and have my ventolin inhaler within reach. I am a slave to the cigarette. It gives me a kind of satisfaction, of steadiness, of calmness when i inhale and exhale.

I know the damage it has done to me. And whats worse, being an asthmatic and at the same time being a smoker, is just signing ur deal with the reaper in advance. i am scared that if i get pregnant one day, id still be smoking. That id be smoking secretly behind my husband's back, relieving my craving and satisfying my addiction. I am so afraid that by being this addicted, even the addiction is stronger than the love that i have for my unborn child.

I guess it is easy for people to judge us when they are not in our shoes. I used to shun and look down as i saw mums pushing their children in their prams or are pregnant and smoke at the same time. I thought that if i was them, the least id do, is smoke in privacy and not out in the open when pple can judge them and shun them. Then i realised, id be worse of then them. I d be a hypocrite.

Quiting before getting pregnant was something i have always thought about. But i am no where near the starting line to that freedom. I know i dunt want to quit. But at the same time i know i need to. For myself, my health, and my future generation. At times, you see pple doing worse off than you, pregnant mothers who drink alcohol, take drugs etc and you think a smoking mother warrants less guilt compared to the other group. Well, you're wrong. Ultimately, harm does come to the unborn child.

So what do i do now? What if i found out that i was pregnant? Do i try going cold turkey? Do i try to do it step by step, slowly and try to quit along the way, knowing very well, each time i inhale, my baby inhales the same poison as me.